Some tips on staying healthy AND the very first ambuslap award.

Today I'll be discussing a few tips on how to stay healthy, even if what you're eating isn't. I'll also be covering steps you can take that will help you stay health, such as quitting smoking, and how you can achieve them. Also, at the end of today's post, I'll be issuing the very first Ambuslap Award. First thing's first, though. How does one stay- or even get- healthy?


If you're at a healthy weight- that is, your Body Mass Index (see below) indicates that you're at a healthy weight in comparison to your height- you can stay there by walking, even if it's just walking at a good pace around and around wal-mart, or preforming other moderate exercise for 30 to 60 minutes a day. If you're underweight and want to gain healthily, then 30 minutes a day of moderate exercise is right for you. If you're overweight and want to lose weight, 60 to 90 minutes of moderate exercise is right for you. It sounds like a lot, right? Not necessarily- while according to the CDC, regular exercise is the only medically proven effective method for achieving sustained weight loss- the good news is that exercise doesn't mean you have to be a body builder. Moderate exercise can be just going for a walk while listening to your iPod or MP3 player of choice, going and playing paintball or airsoft twice or thrice a week, taking the dog for a walk, or even just walking around the mall (without stopping)- anything that's going to get your heart working. You don't even have to do it every day- you can see results with as little as two or three times a week.

Exercise is one of the most important and beneficial things you can do for yourself- not only for those who need to lose weight, but also for those of us in a relatively healthy state. Almost exactly opposite to the effects of cigarettes and alcohol abuse, exercise has been shown, in study after study after study, to improve the body's abilities to function normally. A wide range of diseases can be wrestled under control with regular exercise, and it's even been shown to improve your brain-power! Even if you don't need it to get out of an unhealthy state, exercise can make you healthier. Methods of exercising can vary from person to person- according to whatever they're looking to get out of it-, be it predominantly strength training for the body-builder, mostly cardio for those looking to maintain their frame with smaller endurance-type muscle, or about a 25/75% mix of both (the strength training is the 25% and comes first to burn up your muscles' sugar stores, the cardio comes second as the 75% and should be at least 60 minutes) for those looking to get fit. Even if you're overweight and can't run too well, just walk. You see, most of your cardio workout results are going to come from distance, not speed. Running 3 miles in 30 minutes (6 mph) will provide roughly the same results as walking 3 miles in 60 minutes (3 mph). The only major difference is that running will prepare you for more running, where walking generally won't. For most people, however, cardiovascular exercise (walking/running/etc) is more appropriate for them than strength training, though you should never have completely one or the other.

If you find that you just can't avoid eating fast food or junk food and you find it's making you pack on the pounds, here are a few tips that I know from personal experience will really help you out. First of all, instead of soda or sweet tea, drink water- a large fast food soft drink has nearly four times more sugar in it than a monster energy drink, and most places probably don't go light on the sugar in their tea, either- not to mention outrageous amounts of sodium. Second, when you order the meal, make sure you tell them you want a small meal, since most places simply assume a medium. The small box of fries and small drink (should you choose not to skip on the soft drink for a larger, more filling bottle of water) can fill you up just fine- if you don't believe me, just try it out and see for yourself. Third, avoid the sauces or dressings; with as little salad I see people adding to their blue cheese dressing, it's not at all an overstatement to say they'd be doing themselves- and their heart- a favor if they just stuck with the simple cheeseburger. A shocking amount of fat, calories, and sodium WILL- not can, will- be packed into a little bit of dressing or, yes, dipping and/or sandwich sauces. For those of you who are reading this and feeling good about just sticking with ketchup, think again- just a little bit of catsup is PACKED with sugar and other badness with merely a cameo appearance from the humble tomato. So, if you know your meal is going to come with sauces, condiments (including ketchup, mustard, and ESPECIALLY mayonnaise), or dressings on it, request that they please not add it to your meal at all when you place the order. Additionally, a neat thing that people don't think to take advantage of is just how customizable these fast food places will allow you to get with your order- I've found that most places will happily make a special order of french fries for you if you request your fries with less salt (since most places usually salt their fries the moment they come out of the oil). Finally, you can still have soda, but I'd recommend limiting yourself to a bottle or a can (two at the most) of regular non-diet soda a day- again, an unbelievable amount of sugar, sodium, and calories gets crammed into these drinks, not to mention that their acid contents make them terribly bad for your teeth.

If you and/or your kids are overweight or obese, listen to me very closely- Obesity (see the BMI chart earlier in the post) is as serious a medical problem as being a smoker or alcohol abuser. It is not excusable, it is not acceptable, it cannot wait until tomorrow, and unless you're (or they're) taking Synthroid, it's not your thyroid. You have to make the decision to stay unhealthy or to sentence yourself to an early death. Every year, more research indicates a link between obesity and serious, life-changing, and expensive medical conditions, such as diabetes (type 2, AKA non insulin dependent diabetes mellitus, in most cases), Cancer(s), heart disease, lung disease, bone disease, joint disease, brain disease, increased mortality in traumatic events, increased amount of time to heal from serious medical and traumatic events, and more sudden and serious problems such as an acute myocardial infarction (not nearly as cute as the name implies, I daresay), stroke, and the particularly lethal Pulmonary Embolism. Much like smoking does, you see, obesity holds the door wide open for a mind-bogglingly huge number of diseases to march right in and kill you. If you're serious about losing your weight or helping your family members lose weight, ignore all the TV commercials, ignore all the 'folk cures' or people who approach you with what helped their cousin, can the over-the-counter diet pills (they're just water pills and caffeine, really. If they were anything worth your time, you'd better believe they'd have an FDA stamp of approval with trial data to back it up and more than a few pharma companies scrambling to buy up the rights to it), pay your family doctor a visit and be serious with him or her about wanting to lose weight now- set a goal, establish methods of reaching that goal, and check back in on a monthly basis so they can monitor your progress. Losing those extra pounds could be the best thing you can ever do for yourself- you won't just lower your disease risks, but you'll look better, and you'll definitely feel better- losing just 10 lbs can cause a significant lowering in your blood pressure (thus greatly reducing your cardiovascular risk), a stabilization of your blood sugars, and take as much as 40 lbs of pressure off your knees (each lb of weight you lose takes up toe 4 lbs of pressure off your knees).


If you smoke, or use tobacco in ANY form, including the so-called E-cigarettes, you're unnecessarily sending your disease risks through the roof. Your cardiovascular disease risk- that is, how at risk you are for a stroke or heart attack- is WELL beyond that of any normal person's, sometimes even beyond someone busily stuffing themselves with fat-dipped fat wrapped in fat with extra fat on the side. If you smoke and take birth control, your cardiovascular risk can be as high as thirty times that of a non-smoker! Forget any preachy letters or commercials you've ever seen and listen to me- tobacco products WILL KILL YOU. It won't kill you just a little bit sooner, but a LOT sooner. Point to all the exceptions to the rule you like, but for 99.9999% of the population, it's going to shave a whole 20 years off your life. You've heard it before, I'm sure, but look at it like this- if you got sentenced to prison for 20 years for no reason other than deciding to smoke once, would you be so nonchalant about it? Surely not, right? The trippy part is that there's no difference, except that hanging out in prison and getting free food, lodging, and healthcare for 20 years is probably only slightly less uncomfortable than dieing a slow, miserable death from lung cancer, or dieing a horribly painful, more swift death from supermassive pnuemonia. Just like losing extra weight, stopping smoking can be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself, and you'll save tons of cash to boot. If you've tried and failed, try again- stopping smoking is one of the hardest addictions to quit, even more difficult than overcoming a cocaine addiction. Seek out support groups on the internet to learn tips and tricks that others found to help them, seek help from your doctor- who I'm sure will scramble to provide you with as much help as you can tolerate-, learn the science behind it all to demystify the addiction, just don't give up. Now, I'm about to tell something that others may, perhaps, scorn me for, but there is a somewhat less unhealthy way to use tobacco- and that's to go and buy dried tobacco leaves directly from a farmer's market and roll them into cigarettes yourself, which cuts out tons of bad stuff that's in industrial cigarettes- but don't mistake this for an endorsement, nicotine use and using tobacco at all is still so unhealthy for you, it's unreal.



If you use alcohol on a regular basis, consider cutting back a little. Regular alcohol use can massively contribute to significant blood pressure and cardiovascular problems, liver damage and diseases, esophageal diseases, brain diseases (the most significant of which being Korsakoff's or Korsakov's psychosis, currently recognized as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome), heart diseases (including heart attack), traumatic problems (one such problem that alcohol users are famous for suffering is a subdural hematoma, where they've fallen or otherwise struck their head, initiated a slow, vein bleed in the linings of the brain, feel fine, and then die from massive intracrainial pressure hours to days later), and dozens of other assorted health issues such as contribution to obesity (as alcoholic beverages are often quite high in calories and carbohydrates). If your medication or doctor tells you not to take alcohol with your disease, just don't even tempt fate, seriously, there's usually a very good reason they tell you these things, so just drink a coke or something instead. You may want to try and keep it to a single serving (NOT BOTTLE) of alcohol per every other night or so. Yes, I know it's hard to make the healthy choice when you see how much fun everyone else is having being unable to think straight, falling off their stools, and lying in a puddle of their own vomit, but you'll thank yourself later, and so will your wallet.


Don't concern yourself TOO much with whatever latest study finds a link between something and cancer. Everything causes cancer- I've heard it all, from wearing flip-flops to flying to eating broccoli. I am of the conviction that oxygen causes cancer- after all, I'll wager you've never met anyone who wasn't breathing that got cancer. Still, you can take some simple steps to reduce your risk, such as getting regular mammograms or prostate exams once you've reached about 40 or so, eating the right foods, keeping a healthy weight, exercising regularly, and avoiding habits like alcoholism and smoking.

Protect yourself (don't worry, it's kid safe)- yeah, yeah, you've heard it millions of times already, if you're going to get busy, get protected. You should take it seriously, though. With all the nasty, ugly, and life-threatening diseases out there, many of which are communicable LONG before the person shows any symptoms, and considering how wrapping before you go packing is such an easy step to take these days, ignoring it would be like not locking your doors at night or when you leave the house- if something bad happens, you more than likely had it coming.

Finally, get some down-time every now and then- be it sleeping in an extra hour, or just relaxing with some good music, a puzzle, a game, or a good book. Most medical professionals can agree that unresolved and/or pent-up stress contributes to tons of bad things, such as irrational impatience or intolerance with friends or family members, high blood pressure, depression, weight-gain, decreased cognitive (thought) function, decreased immune function, and blah, blah, and blah. Sleeping in an extra hour can not only make you feel good, it's also good for your heart- as studies show that people who regularly sleep in an extra hour have generally better heart health than those who don't. Getting a full night's sleep can be therapeutic both physically and psychologically, and for a society with so little respect for sleep, I think we'd all be bowled over with how much better we'd feel (and how much healthier we'd be) all around if we'd stop making excuses and allow ourselves a full 8-hour sleep every night. Reading regularly and doing puzzles can keep your brain sharp (it's as much a muscle as your... muscles. Use it or lose it, people!) while teaching you a thing or two and empowering you with new and interesting information. Setting aside a little bit of time at some point in the day for a 15-minute catnap can really put a new spring in your step, as can taking the time to relax by yourself for 20 minutes or so at the start and finish of each day (perhaps while walking?). The point is, find a little bit of time to relax each day, and I'm sure you'll be surprised at how much better you feel at the end of the week.


Now, we'll wrap things up with the very first Ambuslap award. What is an ambuslap? It can be defined two ways: 1. The slap someone, be it a police officer, a bystander, a firefighter, even a somewhat less-than-competent EMT, delivers to the rear doors of an ambulance after loading the patient and closing said doors, resulting in a series of loud banging sounds that may startle the patient and/or cause the attending paramedic to unleash (or restrain) righteous fury towards the ambuslapper- OR 2. The result of an act, deed, thought, belief, or other similar method by which a degree of ignorance or stupidity is displayed to make the displayer a worthy target of some bored EMTs with too much time and/or red hair on their hands. The ambuslap awards lend themselves to the second definition. Now that we're clear on what the ambuslaps are about, let's give a big round of applause to the very first in a long, long line of winners of this prestigious award: Poison Ivy (Wo)man! You know him or her- in fact, you may be him or her-, they're that person that spots the telltale pink of the calamine lotion or notices the rash, and, before you can bolt for the nearest escape, begins bombarding you with unwanted, useless home remedies you've never heard of but reportedly worked for their mutant cousin. The gesture's appreciated since it shows empathy, but you know it's probably just a coincidence that their rash went away the day after they buried the potato under a full moon before swinging a dead cat over their head seven times while pouring beer over it. Besides, the last thing someone who's REALLY hurting from the rash wants to hear is how slathering themselves in sour milk, mustard, vinegar, or other human repellants will REALLY WORK, YOU SHOULD TRY IT, STAY HERE AND LET ME GET YOU SOME. If your rash doesn't get under control in less than a week, continues to spread despite continued efforts to control it with *AHEM* FDA-approved methods such as calamine lotion to dry it up and provide releif, benadryl (Diphenhydramine HCL) to control the itching and swelling, and ibuprofin to control the pain and swelling, if it's on over 10% of your body (estimate using your palm- each full palm of rash area equals 1%), or if it's extensively on your face, you need to call your doctor's office right away and schedule an urgent appointment so he can set you up with some steroids to control the swelling and something to relieve the pain. Also, not getting a rash in response to poison ivy exposure (you lucky dog) doesn't mean you're immune to it- it's quite the opposite, actually, since the rash is really just your immune system going into overdrive to try and fight the oily Urushiol for no good reason than to fight it.